


Invincible

by malacihte



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Car Accidents, Character Death, Depression, Established Relationship, Fluff, Hospitalization, M/M, Recovery, Sad, first years are third years, only at the start then it all goes down hill whoops, really sad hinata just saying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-23
Updated: 2016-04-23
Packaged: 2018-06-04 01:57:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,779
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6636322
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/malacihte/pseuds/malacihte
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hinata can see it, the yellow headlights right in front of them, full speed and wavering. He can hear the screech of the break, he remembers his scream. The shattering and cracking of glass, the loud bang that Hinata had come to guess was Kageyama's head hitting the steering wheel. He can feel himself sitting in the car again right before it flips, the seatbelt that dug into his chest and the ugly sounds of the metal of the car falling onto the road. Then the car stopping upside down, the piercing silence that followed. Him reaching out for Kageyama, trying to call his name but to no avail.<br/>He knows he blacked out right after that. But what if he hadn't, what if he had been able to get him and Kageyama out of the car himself, what if he had been able to call help sooner? What if he had seen those headlights a couple seconds before and warned Kageyama? What if he had been smart and suggested that he and Kageyama stay at the arcade until the storm died down? Maybe then none of this would've happened.<br/>But he couldn't go back in time to change it. It had happened.<br/>Kageyama is dead.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Invincible

**Author's Note:**

> I hate myself for writing this tbh.  
> If you don't like sad Hinata and Kageyama dying I recommend not reading this (or if car accidents and such are triggering for you).  
> If you're going to read this I wish you luck, because ur in for a ride.  
> (sorry if this is kinda badly written or for grammar mistakes and whatever)

"Kageyama," Hinata whispers. There's no reply. He couldn't be asleep already Hinata thinks incredulously. They had just gotten to bed. "Kageyama?" He tries again raising his voice more this time.

He manages to get a groan out of him this time. Taking this as a sign to keep going he props himself up on one elbow and looks down at Kageyama who's lying on his back beside him. "Wake up." He hisses, pushing Kageyama's shoulders lightly.

"Let me sleep." He moans, not opening his eyes.

Hinata sighs, "Come on Kageyama this is important. You need to listen."

Kageyama makes a disgruntled noise but slowly turns onto his side to face Hinata. He opens his eyes to look at him.

None of the lights in the room are on so Hinata can barely see Kageyama but he can feel him. Their legs are tangled together under the bedsheets, one of Kageyama's arms slung over his hips and their foreheads were touching now.

"What is it?" Kageyama asks, his voice thick with exhaustion and a tinge of annoyance.

"I was just thinking," Hinata starts, working together how to place his words, his voice drops lower than before, "What if one of us died?"

Hinata feels Kageyama's bodies tense, "Why were you thinking about that?" He asks, nonplussed at the odd question.

"I don't know, I was just wondering." Hinata replies. It has crossed his mind a few times before, but he always pushes away the morbid thought. It's scary to think about dying right now, he doesn't want to believe that it could happen any day at anytime. To think about something like that always put a damper on his mood so he tends not to dwell on it, he convinces himself it would never happen instead.

But right now it was on his mind. And he can't imagine what it would be like if he died tomorrow or if Kageyama did. No. He didn't even want to mention the notion of Kageyama dying. He's here right now, his warm body presses up against his, his heart rhythmically beating. Hinata had asked anyways though. He wants to know what Kageyama thinks.

"It's not going to happen." Kageyama answers, simply.

"How do you know?"

"It just–" He pauses, "Won't. You aren't going to die anytime soon. I won't let you."

"Aw, you're so sweet at night Kageyama." Hinata teases, smiling widely.

"Shut up."

Hinata puts a hand on Kageyama's cheek and presses a quick kiss to his lips. When he pulls back he poses another question, "What about you?"

"What about me?"

"I don't want to lose you either." Hinata says, softly. He looks down away from Kageyama's gaze.

The thought of losing Kageyama terrifies him, he wouldn't know what to do without him.  
Kageyama had been the one who pushed him to do better through their constant competitions, it had been him against Kageyama for awhile. That had been reason enough to get up every morning and work harder every day but soon it had evolved to him and Kageyama against the world. They were a team and without him Hinata would be alone.

It's hard for him to even imagine a life without Kageyama. No more freak quicks, or meaningless arguments or races or kisses or anything else of that sort. His life would become horrifyingly empty.

Kageyama doesn't answer for a moment. Maybe he's fallen asleep again Hinata thinks and he's about to make a move to turn around and get in more comfortable position to fall asleep as well. Telling himself he should just sleep these thoughts off and in the morning he'll forget all about it but Kageyama at last speaks up.

"We're invincible, remember." He whispers. "With each other nothing can stop us." Hinata gazes up at Kageyama again, who pulls him closer.

"Invincible." Hinata repeats. They'd said that to each other in their first year, he remembers. The word manage to comfort his worrying mind. Kageyama was right. At this moment they were invincible, he was overthinking things. Neither of them would die, not for a long, long time.

But he still had to make sure, "Promise me you won't die?"

"Will that make you go to sleep?" Kageyama yawns. Hinata nods. "I promise."

Hinata leans forward again to kiss Kageyama again. He makes this one last longer than the first. Kageyama breaks the kiss, only to place another one on Hinata's forehead.

"Go to sleep," He orders, then adds, "And don't wake me up again." Kageyama pulls his arm back, releasing Hinata and rolls onto his back again.

"Fine, goodnight." Hinata curls into Kageyama's body, resting his head on his chest and closing his eyes.

When he wake up the next morning, to the sun shining through the windows he doesn't think about either of them dying anymore. Just like he had guessed the night before he had forgotten all about it.

• • •

Hinata clutches onto Kageyama's hand as he runs behind him, laughing. "Why didn't you bring an umbrella?"

"I didn't think it was going to rain!" Kageyama shouts as he drags Hinata into the parking lot, searching around for his car.

"Don't you know getting your date soaked in rain isn't usually how you want your first date to end." Hinata giggles. They'd been officially together for a couple of months now but it wasn't until today that Kageyama had actually taken them on a proper first date. Only after Hinata had pestered him about it.

Kageyama scowls in return, "You're enjoying this aren't you?"

"Yes." Hinata admits, grinning.

"Then it's exactly how a date should go." Kageyama points out. He's soaked in the rain too, his t-shirt clinging to his body so Hinata could see just how muscular he was. His hair was drenched and flattened from the rain. Hinata didn't even want to know what kind of mess he looked like.

He notices that Kageyama's staring back at him, both of them stay still for a moment. Still holding hands in the pouring rain and it feels perfect. Hinata pulls on Kageyama's hand to bring them close together and then he tugs down on Kageyama's shirt and connects their lips.

It's a terribly wet kiss from all the rain, and all he can feel is the water splashing on them. But he loves it. He loves kissing Kageyama and holding his hand like this and standing in the rain with him. He loves Kageyama.

When they part Hinata presses his nose against Kageyama's, "You're right, this was the perfect way to end the date."

"Maybe for you." Kageyama grumbles, shivering from the rain. Hinata beams at him. Kageyama turns away to keep looking for the car but Hinata can tell that he's smiling too.

It's dark outside and the rains makes drumbeats as it hits the ground, Hinata has an uneasy feeling in his stomach all of a sudden. The storm was only worsening, he wants to go home and change into dry clothes and fall asleep in his warm bed with Kageyama's arms around him.

He spots the car and is immediately relieved, tugging Kageyama's arm he leads them to it. They both hurry to get in. Quickly shutting the door, Hinata leans back into the seat after clicking on his seatbelt. He's glad to be sheltered from the rain.

He squirms a bit though, his clothes stuck to his skin and his hair plastering his face and dripping water. The leather seat of the car was extremely uncomfortable to sit in.

"You're getting water all over the car dumbass." Kageyama says, though the words were of annoyance he doesn't seem very mad.

"So are you!" Hinata points out. The two of them were a disaster from the couple of minutes they had spent unarmed in the rain. He couldn't wait to get home.

"I'm allowed to, it's my car." Kageyama remarks, as he turns the car on, springing it to life.

"I'm your boyfriend though, are you saying you love your car more than me?" Hinata places a hand on his heart, looking wide eyed at Kageyama. He was only teasing him but part of him really wants to hear his answer.

Kageyama turns his gaze to him, taking his hands off the wheels. There's a spark in his eyes that Hinata doesn't know what to call. It's intense, before he knows it Kageyama is kissing him again.

Wet lips sliding together and hands grabbing at each other, leaning to get closer. Kageyama pulls away, breathing slightly uneven. Hinata tries to catch his breath as well, he had been completely taken by surprise from the kiss. Kageyama leans his head against his. "Don't even say that. Don't even think there could be anything I love more than you."

Hinata can only stare for a moment. Even though he's shivering from his drenched clothes he felt warm inside. He closes his eyes and smiles, "I love you too." He pecks Kageyama's lips again.

Kageyama pulls away, placing his hands on the steering wheel once again. He turns on the windshield wipers as well. "Let's go back to my house, it's closer."

"Okay." Hinata agrees. He'd call his parents to tell them he's spending the night at Kageyama's place when they got there, he doesn't want to risk driving out in the storm like this for too long. And he's yearning to take a warm shower more than anything. The faster that could happen the better.

Kageyama begins driving, he's going slowly and cautiously. "Can you see alright?" Hinata asks.

The rain was coming down hard and swiftly, not to mention that it was nighttime and the only light to guide them are street lamps. Kageyama nods, "It's fine."

The roads are slippery and slick with rain water. Hinata pulls his knees up to his chest, wrapping his arms around them. He tilts his head onto the cool glass of the window, watching the raindrops slide down.

He shuts his eyes again, realizing how tired he is. The pattering of the rain feels like a lullaby. Kageyama begins talking and he tries his best to tune into his words but he could feel himself fading.

"Oi, are you listening?" Kageyama's voice finally rings in his ears clearly right before he falls asleep. He forces himself to open his eyes and sit down properly again in the seat. He looks at Kageyama whose eyes are still glued to the road.

"Yes." Hinata lies.

"What was I saying then?"

"Volleyball?" It's his best guess.

He sees Kageyama take a quick glance at him, "You got lucky, but yes. What's the plan for spring preliminaries?" He asks.

Hinata stretches his arms up, trying to wake himself up. "The plan is to win then go to nationals and win that too."

It's their third year, this is the last chance they have to win nationals. Hinata was sure they'd do it this time.

He sees Kageyama smile. The two of them jump into a conversation about how exactly they're going to make sure their plan works. This successfully wakes Hinata up again for a bit until he yawns again.

"We're only a few minutes away." Kageyama assures. He looks tired too, Hinata notices. The talking ceases again.

He starts counting every time the windshield wipers push away the rain to pass the time. He could already almost feel the warm water of the shower and the fluffy pillows and sheets and clothing that wasn't wet and tight.

They car halts at a red light, Hinata realizes he's lost count again and starts over. One..two..three...

The light goes green and the car's driving again. Nine..ten..eleven.

Suddenly there's yellow headlights right in front of them. Hinata stops counting. "What the–" He starts in a whisper but he's cut short.

He doesn't even have time to register what was going on. He feels the slam of the breaks but it's too late. He hears a scream that must be his, the car skids and slams head on with the other vehicle. The car skids again back and there's a loud crack that must be the glass of the front windshield then the car flips. The seatbelt tightens against Hinata. He feels as if he's suffocating. He screams again, this time Kageyama's name but there's no response.

His head bangs against something, he feels the cut. There's glass shards and other debris that hit him. Something heavy plows itself into Hinata's leg. A shard rips his arm and there's so much pain.

The car stills itself, upside down. There's a silence, piercing and loud and ringing in his ears for a moment.

Then it goes chaotic. A million things go through his mind.

" _Am I alive?" "What happened?" "Why can't I feel my left leg?" "Why do I feel so dizzy?_ "

Questions keep coming. His head spins, pain shooting from every part of his body, making it hard breathe. Every time he tries to breathe it hurt, so they come out shallow. The smell of gasoline and coolant stings his nose. His arms are bent at an odd angle and he can't position himself in a normal way, it is agonizing to even move a centimeter. He only knows that he has to get out, he has to find help, he has to– _Kageyama._

" _K-k_ ," It hurts so much to speak, it's taking all his strength but he keeps going. He has to know if Kageyama was okay. If he was still alive. " _Kag-gey-yama!_ "

No reply. He shuts his eyes tightly, tears leaking out mixing with the blood on his face. He tries to turn his head to see Kageyama, but can only go so far before the whole car becomes a blur.

All the pain, shoots up through his body to his head. He feels his vision fading. He tries to cling onto consciousness, he can't leave Kageyama like this. _He has to get help_.

But the darkness takes over.

• • •

"Get them on stretchers now. Send them to the nearest hospital, quickly. I'm not sure they'll make it." The voice is stern.

Hands grab at Hinata with a firm grip and pull him into what must be the stretcher. He lays back and the first thing he thinks is how there was no more rain.

Then the whole world comes crashing down on him. His chest stings with every breath, he feels every cut individually. This has to be hell, he thinks.

His eyes fly open all of a sudden with alert. Kageyama. Where is he?

"He's awake!" He hears someone say as he's being rolled into an ambulance.

"Where is he?" Hinata murmurs, weakly. "Where's Kageyama?" He tries to make his voice clearer so they could see how urgently he needed to know. But it just sounds broken.

"Your friend?" It's women's voice, she's speaking calmly, "He's with us too he's going to be at the hospital just like you."

Hinata's heart pounds fast, he thinks it's going to burst out of his chest. He wouldn't have been surprised if it already had with the immense pain he was feeling there.

"Is he okay? Please tell me he's okay?" Hinata presses on. His head hurts and he can feel his vision going spotty again but he has to know if Kageyama is okay.

"He's–" There's a pause, "He's fine. Now please calm down, we're almost at the hospital. We need you to–"

Hinata doesn't hear anything more as he goes unconscious again.

• • •

He wakes up to white.

A white ceiling with white lights and a bed with white bedsheets.

Hinata scrunches up his nose. The room smells too cleans and sterile. His vision is still blurry, he brings a hand up to rub his eyes. He blinks a couple times and tries to figure out where he is.

A hospital he realizes. His eyes are now wide open as he takes in the room. One of his arms is hooked up to an IV, his other was heavily wrapped in bandages. A monitor was beside his bed, beeping at a pace which must be his heartbeat. His left leg was in a cast, his other leg appeared to be fine. He took a chance at wiggling his toes and was pleased to find that at least he could do that. Everything else hurts a lot to move though.

But he keeps trying, this time turning the hand of his bandaged arm into a fist. After doing that a couple of times, he tentatively lifts the covers of his sheets. He isn't surprised to see the blue attire of hospital patients on him, he brings his hand to his chest and can already feel the bandages through the fabric. He must've broken a rib, Hinata thinks, that would explain why it had been so hard to breathe.

A pang of pain shoots his head and he hears a strangled sound leave his mouth. He brings his hand up to his head now and that too is wrapped in white gauze.

How bad had the car accident been?

 _The car accident._ His mind rushes with memories of the storming night, the howling wind, the yellow headlights. The slam of the breaks, the collision, he can hear the skidding, feel the car flipping over. The beeping of the monitor speeds up.

He remembers calling out to Kageyama, trying to find him through the dark but being pulled away. He needs to find him.

He slowly pushes himself up into a sitting position, groaning and clutching his chest as he does so. He sees the IV connected to his arm and makes a move to pull it out. He doesn't care what he has to do to get to Kageyama. His head hurts and his heart aches, he can feel better after he knows that Kageyama is okay.

Hinata's about to pull out the cord, when he hears the door swing open. Dropping the IV, he turns to look at who was there. A part of him hoping it was Kageyama, even though he knows it's unlikely.

Of course he is let down.

"You're finally up." The nurse says. He's tall, with brown, short cropped hair, wearing teal colored scrubs and round glasses. He holds a tray in hand and a clipboard under that.

Hinata doesn't respond to him and just stares. The nurse doesn't seem to be bothered and keeps speaking. "You've been out for a couple days, but the doctors have been able to heal most of your wounds and you'll be out of here soon." He approaches Hinata's bed, and perches the tray that holds what he guesses is breakfast on the bedside table. "That was some car accident you were in. Dark, terrible weather, drunk driver. You're lucky you survived. The driver of the other car was killed on impact."

Hinata blinks at him. The nurse's words spinning through his mind. He can't seem to find his voice.

"You have to eat and drink if you want to regain strength. You have so many friends and family waiting for you. They all tried to visit but we couldn't permit anyone but your parents and sister in but they left you things." The nurse gestures to the cabinet behind him by the door.

Hinata sees now the cards and chocolates now. There was even a volleyball sitting there. He had been so distracted by his injuries when he had woken up he hadn't noticed.

The nurse looks at him now, examining. Hinata shrinks back a bit. "After eating you should go back to resting. It took a long time to stitch you up don't go messing it up. You have to be careful. Do you need to use the washroom?"

Hinata shakes his head. He glances at the food beside him, but it makes him feel like throwing up. His stomach feels hollow. The nurse goes along checking a few things, seeing if he needs to change the bandages and such Hinata guesses. He sits silently waiting.

"You can call me if you need something, okay? A doctor will be in shortly." Finally he straightens himself upright, holding the checklist in both hands. He shows Hinata where there's a buzzer he can press to call him then he makes his way to the door.

"Kageyama." Hinata bursts out, at last regaining his voice. The nurse stops and looks back at him, waiting patiently for him to continue. "Where is he? Is he okay? Can I see him? _I need to see him_." Everything comes rushing out in one breath.

The nurse doesn't answer for a moment.

 _He's already gone_. Hinata's mind immediately goes to the worst possible outcome there could be. In that single beat of silence Hinata crumples into his bed.

"He still hasn't woken up." Hinata hears the nurse say. It takes a minute for him to process those few words. He jumps up, cautiously though as not to further injure himself. He wasn't dead and Kageyama wasn't either. He beams at the nurse now, overwhelmed with joy. Sure they were broken and hurt but they were alive.

"Can I see him? Please." Hinata says with new found urgency.

The nurse solemnly shakes his head, "You can't leave here yet. You're not fully healed. I'll keep you updated with his status if you'd like." He says. Hinata notices the way the nurse carefully chooses his words, was he hiding something?

Hinata pushes the thought from his mind. He should be more focused on getting better, he wants to see Kageyama more than anything and he has to get better to do that. He has to be strong for the both of them.

He nods at the nurse who exits right after. He grabs the tray of food and even though just looking at it he wants to throw up he forces himself to eat. If this was how to get better he was going to do it.

The next couple of days are a blur. Doctors and nurses and medicines. Bandage changes and countless instructions on how to take this or how many to take of this other thing. He doesn't hesitate to do what he's told. Eventually they brought in crutches so he could learn to walk around with them in his room and to the washroom.

There are tons of visitors as well. His family of course, his mother and father in tears, Natsu who had run in first and hugged him. Currently the team's here, Yamaguchi, Tsukishima, Yachi of course and the second years and first years too. They fill him in on everything that's going on with practice and more.

After the team leaves, Hinata breaks into silent tears. They fall down his face fast paced. Would he even be able to play at spring preliminaries now?

He longs so much to be better to be able to play again with the team, with Kageyama. He wants to be back on the court. He wants to taste another victory and celebrate and have red palms from spiking and sore legs from running and everything. Most of all he just wishes this had never happened.

Hinata thinks about it more than he'd like to, about how it would be like if the car accident hadn't taken place. He knows he shouldn't think about ifs and such, it would only make him feel worse but he can't help it. If the car accident hadn't happened they would be safe now. They'd be practising volleyball with the others and laughing and arguing and kissing and holding each other. They wouldn't be stuck in this confined hospital, separated from each other and hurting.

He's a mess now, sniffling and frantically trying to wipe away his tears with his palms. The light from the windows illuminates his room, casting shadows and he wants so desperately to be outside again so he could actually feel the rays of light on his skin. The thought of how much he's missing out on and how much he's going to miss out on makes him feel worse than his wounds did.

The last of the tears spill from his eyes. Hinata pulls up his bedsheets wiping his tear stained face. Resting his head back on the pillows he closes his eyes.

He knows the only reason he hasn't already fully broken and is still keeping a positive outlook on this whole dilemma was for Kageyama. He could've given up by now, he wants to. To just come to terms that spring preliminaries were gone for him but every time he thinks of Kageyama he finds a way to keep going. He isn't going to let him down. When they both get better they'll be strong again. Like the car accident really hadn't happened at all.

Kageyama was the only thing that was really keeping him together at the moment. He is going to see him, they are going to get through this, Hinata assures himself.

He wants to be in Kageyama's arms again and kiss his lips, his cheek, his forehead and squeeze his hand and trails his fingertips along his arm and chest and snuggle into his body. He wants to hear his laugh and and see his smile and even have him insult him again. And knowing that if he manages to get better he could do all those things again made him wake up and take those medicines and endure the white, white, white of the his room.

Squeezing his eyes shut tighter he prays for sleep.

Maybe in the morning Kageyama will wake up and he can see him. That's what he tells himself every day, that's what he'll keep telling himself until it's true.

• • •

Another week passes and a part of Hinata is on the bridge of losing hope.

All his smaller cuts and injuries had come to heal. Both arms could be of use now, though still sore. His head had been unwrapped of bandages but ugly stitches were clear on his forehead, he doesn't mind much. His hair covers most of it anyways. His ribs aren't completely healed but the doctors had said they would be soon enough, his leg was also still in a cast. But it wouldn't be soon now until he was admitted out.

Hinata's sitting upright on his bed, he's trying to focus on the movie that plays on his laptop screen. Natsu had brought his laptop for him so he wouldn't get too bored cooped up in here alone. But even with the distraction, Kageyama was always running through his head. Every time the door opens he thinks it has to be time to see him only to be let down just like that first time that must've have been maybe two weeks ago now. It's hard to remember when exactly, the whole recovery process had been such a whirlwind for him.

He stares intently at the movie, but his mind keeps wandering to different places. He's about to entirely give up on the laptop when the door clicks open. It reveals a nurse he'd come to know as Yukine. He was the first nurse who Hinata had seen after waking up.

Hinata doesn't say anything waiting for him to talk first.

There's a pained almost sad look on his face. Hinata's stomach churns in worry immediately. "Kageyama is awake, he wants to see you."

The words process through his head.

_Kageyama is awake, he wants to see you._

He repeats them in his mind over and over until it really kicks in.

The uneasy feeling in his stomach vanishes. His mouth breaks into the the biggest smile. He's waited so long, not a day would go by when he hasn't asked whether he could see Kageyama and finally. Finally.

His whole body brims with joy, excitement. Happiness. Hinata quickly but carefully finds his way off the bed, he was no longer on IV so there wouldn't be any cord ripping. He steadies himself with one hand on the bedside table and he grabs the crutches leaning against the wall beside it.

Maneuvering his body in the way he was taught he supports himself with the crutches and walks to Yukine. The smile hasn't left his face.

"Let's go. I can't wait any longer." Hinata says.

Yukine nods and leads him out of the room. Down the hall into an elevator. He doesn't talk to Hinata but it doesn't bother him.

Hinata's mind was purely on Kageyama and what it would be like to see him again. He feels like he was flying again, just thinking about being close to Kageyama made him feel that way.

The elevators open, he's lead through yet another hallway of doors. There's signs along the way but Hinata doesn't give any attention to read them.

They stop suddenly. This must be it.

He wants to burst through the doors with no hesitation. Nothing was between them now but those doors and soon not even that. Hinata feels his heartbeat pick up, but not with worry anymore. With excitement.

A hand rests on Hinata's shoulder and he pauses his own hands only centimetres away from the door handle. He looks at Yukine, sort of annoyed that he has to be stopped this close.

"Hinata," Yukine says, there was that concerned and solemn face again. "He's awake but–" Yukine pauses, his expression turns strained.

Hinata only waits wishing that Yukine can finish his sentence quickly. "He's awake but not for long."

Hinata blinks.

What does that mean? He begins to wonder. Was he going into a coma again? Or does that mean they're going to make him sleep and rest for a bit right after.

Yukine seems to notice Hinata's confusion and explains again, "He's not going to make it. There's not too long now. We tried everything but he—"

Yukine is still speaking but Hinata isn't listening any longer. His heart had skipped a beat at his first line. His face has fallen, the radiant smile he was wearing gone and sunken. The words ringing in his ears.

He can't believe them.

"No." He whispers. "No. No. He's awake he's fine. When I see him he'll be okay." Hinata hears his broken voice. The world shattering around him but he tries to convince himself that Yukine was wrong.

Hinata doesn't wait any longer to enter the room. It's almost identical to his but he doesn't waste time to go through all the similarities and differences. He swiftly makes his way to the bed where he can already see Kageyama. Hinata's also aware of the others in the room, a doctor he guesses and Kageyama's parents. He can hear them crying. Hinata stumbles to Kageyama, ignoring everyone else.

There's a chair at his side and Hinata falls down onto it and looks.

There was close to no color in his skin. Lips dry and chapped. His dark hair was messy and there are bandages around his head. Bruises splattered on his face and down his neck. Casts on an arm and a leg. That was only the things Hinata could see, but a feeling said there were many more wounds hidden away. His eyes are closed.

Tears begin to form in Hinata's eyes. "Kageyama." He murmurs.

Hinata watches as Kageyama's eyes gingerly open and Hinata leans over so they were face to face. Those dark blue eyes aren't the same as Hinata remembers, they aren't filled with fire. They are hollow.

Hinata sees a soft smile on Kageyama's face. "You're okay?"

His voice was so small and weak. A tear slides down Hinata's face. "I'm–I'm fine." He manages to say. He leans his face onto Kageyama's. He had waited so long to touch him again like this and he wasn't about to lose it all so quickly. "And you're fine too."

Hinata feels Kageyama's hands cupping his cheeks. He places a kiss on Hinata's lips, it's long and slow. And Hinata doesn't want to pull away or let go.

Kageyama breaks the kiss. "No I'm not, even you could see that dumbass."

Hinata shakes his head, "Then you're going to be. You're not going anywhere, I only kept going so I could see you again and you–" His voice cracks again, "You can't give up either. You have to stay alive for me." Tears drip down Hinata's chin onto Kageyama.

"Smile once more. I missed your smile so much." Kageyama whispers.

"You'll see me smile again and again and again once you get better, Kageyama you know better than to talk like this." Hinata takes a deep breath trying to keep his voice even.

Kageyama shakes his head, "Don't be stupid. Just one last time, please."

"You can't leave Kageyama." Hinata cries softly, the tears wouldn't stop, "You–you promised you wouldn't die remember? I made you promise, you have to keep it."

"I'm sorry." He says, voice shaky but there. The voice Hinata had first heard three years ago that he learned to love.

Hinata's mind flashes with memories. On the volleyball court and off. The joy they felt to pull off the quicks, their first win together, the arguing over stupid little things, staying late together to practise. The first time they had kissed and admitted their real feelings to each other, all the heated moments and the soft ones too. Their hands all over each other and the small smiles. He hadn't had enough of them yet. He wants longer with Kageyama, he wants to win more games with him and kiss him more and he wants more. It shouldn't end this quickly. There hadn't been enough time.

"I love you, please don't go." Hinata clutches onto the neck of Kageyama's hospital gown.

Kageyama's eyes shut now and Hinata could feel him fading.

"No, no, Kageyama–Tobio. _Please._ " Hinata begs.

The beeping monitor goes silent.

The hands that were holding Hinata's face go limp and fall, Hinata can't feel the rise and fall of Kageyama's chest any longer. He's vaguely aware of the crying from Kageyama's parents the low speaking of doctors but then those sound shut off and all he can hear is his sobs. His grip tightening on the hospital gown desperately hoping for him to wake up.

_He's not dead. He's can't be. He'll open his eyes now._

But he's gone. Quick and fast like a candle blown out.

And Hinata's left, alone. Clutching at the fabric and crying out.

This hurt more than any injury, it hurt more than not being able to play volleyball, it hurt more than anything Hinata had ever been through.

_It hurt so much._

• • •

It's been a week or so since he's been admitted out of the hospital and returned home.

The last couple days at the hospital he either spent it sleeping or crying or emotionless. He doesn't even speak, he'd skip meals and stay unmoving on his bed.

When he came home nothing changed. People had visited again through the week but his parents pushed them away for him. His family though, had tried to speak to him, get him to say something but he couldn't.

If he says something then it would be real. If he tells someone how he feels then there would be no way to take back the words. He doesn't want to talk to anyone, he wants to talk to him.

And he isn't here.

Hinata picks at the end of his bedsheets, staring at the loose thread. He feels so numb. Like everything around him didn't exist, and it almost feels better like that. To just not feel any more.

He's barely gone outside since he's come back. Only days ago he had wanted so badly to sit on the grass and feel the sun and now he wants to stay curled up in his bed.

He's given up.

Every waking moment he couldn't stop thinking about Kageyama. All the moments they'd spent together replaying in his mind countless times. Even when asleep Kageyama would make his way into his dream.

The dreams were always the same, he'd be with him. Different settings, different words spoken but the ending never changed. He is always alone at the end.

Just as he is now.

Tears are welling up in his eyes, memories that used to make him laugh and smile now only broke him. He's falls apart at them.

Just a month ago they might've been at practise right now. Hinata would tease him and Kageyama would call him a dumbass or an idiot. And after practise they'd get meat buns. Hinata would finish his too quickly then sneak bites from Kageyama's who'd glare at him, annoyed. Then maybe they'd go to Kageyama's place and try to do homework but end up making out.

Hinata could almost feel it now. Kageyama's touch on his skin. Their lips connected. The smell of mint and laundry detergent that lingered on Kageyama's skin. He could feel Kageyama running his hands through his hair and placing kisses on his jaw and down his neck. He would never feel that again.

The lump in his throat grows. His heart aches. The need to just tear his bed sheets apart heightens. He can't hold the tears in any longer and a few of them run down his face and drop onto his bed sheets leaving teardrop stains.

Hinata buries his face into the covers, wanting to scream.

But he hears a quiet knock on his door and lifts his face up from his sheets, "Shouyou," It's his mum's voice, "Can I come in?" She asks, softly.

"Yes." Hinata answers, voice shaky. He quickly wipes away his tears with the palms of his hands.

His mother walks through the door and across the room, then sits on the edge of his bed facing him. She reaches out pushes Hinata's messy hair back. He can see her watery eyes and instantly feels guilty.

Hinata knows how bad his mum felt when she saw him like this. He has considered before trying to put on a smile for her or pretending to be okay but it can't happen. No matter how hard he tries to muster up enough strength to smile, it's impossible now. There was nothing to smile for anymore.

"I'm bringing up dinner soon, you need to eat okay?" She says.

Hinata nods.

"Shouyou," Her hand finds a place on his cheek. She looks at Hinata, uneasy.

The look reminds him of the nurse back at the hospital, it was the same one of when he'd given him the news of Kageyama. He pushes that thought away as quickly as it came. He wouldn't cry in front of his mum now.

"You need to go back to school soon. It's been a couple weeks and you'll be very behind. And since most of your injuries have healed we think.." She trails off for a moment before beginning again, "I know you're going through something very difficult and I know this has been hard on you but you can't stay like this forever."

But he wants to stay like this forever. Before all he wanted was to be able to go back to his normal life again but he'd expected Kageyama to be there as well because everything that he did, everything that he really knew, Kageyama was always there. Normal was Kageyama. How was he supposed to go back to before if he wasn't there too? How would anything get better without him?

Even before they started dating Kageyama was what drove him, they pushed each other and worked together and won and lost together. Eventually realizing that they weren't rivals any more but partners, then friends, then best friends and then his boyfriend.

And he lost all of that so quickly.

Now staying hidden in his bed away from everything else is all he wants. "I don't think I can," Hinata whispers. ' _He won't be there_ ' He wants to add but thinks against it. Saying it would make it all too real.

"You can't put your whole life on hold because–" His Mum starts but she cuts herself off, "You'll need to go back on Monday. I'll drop you off because you can't ride your bike. Rest for now." She stand up, then leans forward to kiss Hinata's forehead, "I love you."

Hinata nods again and closes his eyes. He hears her footsteps as she makes his way across his room and then there's the slide of his door closing.

He didn't want to go back to school and see the pitying faces of his classmates or hear their whispers and he didn't want to see whatever memorial they made for Kageyama. Because maybe they put it there to show respect and maybe everyone prayed and said they cared about him but they didn't. No one else knows Kageyama like Hinata does. Nobody else could ever understand.

Hinata takes a deep breath, trying to calm himself down. School would be fine he tells himself.

After unsuccessfully reassuring himself he decides to find something that may make him more okay with the idea of school. He reaches over to his bedside table and pulls open a drawer, rummaging inside. Finally, he pulls out a small wooden chest.

Unlatching it he brings out the stack of photographs from inside. He places the chest in the drawer again and sits upright, spreading the glossy photos on his lap. Maybe seeing pictures of all his friends would remind him why he should feel happier. He's still alive, he can see them again.

" _But Kageyama can't._ " His mind informs immediately. Hinata pushes the thought away, trying to put all his focus on the photos and not his terrible thoughts.

Most of the pictures were of the team. Him and his teammates from all his years, he remembers when a lot of them were taken. Yachi was usually the photographer for all the pictures, his fingers skim over the one of him in his first year jumping an arm pulled back, in position to spike the ball.

Even though these are the photos he should be looking at. Him with the team, and his friends. He can't help but look for a certain specific few instead.

He searches through the photos around a bit more until he's tracked down all the pictures of him and Kageyama. It isn't hard as quite a bit of them are just them two. They were always together, even when they 'hated' each other in their first year.

His breath comes slow as he examines all the photos. He's smiling brightly in almost every one. Kageyama always looked either annoyed or had his own soft smile on. They were so happy.

Each photo triggers a memory from Hinata. Their times as first years then second years and finally third years. They'd felt unstoppable back then, he thinks as he stares at the picture of them on the court practicing.

It was hard to look at himself and Kageyama being together and content, knowing that it would never be like that again. He doesn't even notice the tears falling from his eyes.

Hinata shoves the photographs back in the chest and slams the drawer closed. It pains him to see those, it made him ache. He would give anything to go back then. Anything.

He squeezes his eyes shut and cocoons himself in his bed. Maybe sleep would help but he seriously doubts it. Sleep hasn't helped at all in the last days and it wouldn't start now. There wasn't anything that could help. Unless someone could bring back Kageyama.

While trying to sleep, his mind wanders to the thoughts that have been bothering him for a while. Would he forget Kageyama? Of course he wouldn't forget him but would he forget what it would be like to have him here, would he forget the sound of his laugh and the color of his eyes and the way it felt to be with him. Like he could fly.

He doesn't want to forget. He doesn't want to forget anything.

Suddenly he starts thinking about school. His mum had said that he had to go because he was almost completely healed now but she was wrong.

Hinata was broken, that would never heal.

• • •

The school is as lively as before. It's noisy and full and it's spilling with energy. Hinata is the opposite, he is detached and miserable, tired and dreadful. Staring at the school only worsening it.

It's hard for Hinata to believe how the whole world keeps moving when your own world has crashed.

All the things he'd been through in the past weeks doesn't affect anyone here but him. These students didn't have to think about his problems, they don't have to care about them at all. It doesn't bother them. They probably heard the story go around and gave a surprised reaction, said " _Wow, I hope they get better._ " Then forgot all about and worried about some math quiz they had next period instead. Hinata envies them.

The ground beneath his feet may have shattered into a million pieces but everyone else was standing upright. The earth wouldn't stop spinning just for him, he knows that. But still it was difficult to wrap his head around it, how no one could feel what he felt. That he was probably the only one here who felt like screaming and crying.

 _Kageyama would be waiting for him here_. He thinks as he enter through the front gates into the green lawns that were still muddy from all the rain they'd been having recently. As he walks through the school yard he recounts what this should be like. Kageyama should be at his side right now, they should be bickering over a homework question, they should be holding hands.

The rest of the school day is the same. He only thinks of what it should be like, if Kageyama was still here. He ignores the lingering stares of classmates and the quiet whispers.

It's hard to focus on anything. He can't escape thoughts of Kageyama, almost close to tears in every class but he holds back. Instead he bites down hard on his lip, tightens his grip on his pencil, knuckles turning white and let's his head hang low. The teachers don't ask, they know what happened to him. Everyone does. So they know better not to mention it.

After every class the teacher asks to see him, he obeys. Hinata listens to what he missed with fake attention, then the moment they mention the car accident or say Kageyama's name he makes an excuse and runs out. He can't bear to listen to their consolations, he doesn't want to see their pitying looks. How could they know anything about how he feels? How could they offer him their condolences and think everything could just be okay? They don't know how he feels, they could never.

And for that reason he doesn't talk to many people throughout the day, though many of his classmates did try to approach him. Yachi, Yamaguchi or Tsukishima were usually there to politely tell those people to leave him be. They were also the ones who help him navigate his way to class, since it was strenuous on crutches.

Neither of those three ask him about the car accident, the don't say a word about Kageyama either. They understand. Kageyama had been their friend too.

They talk about the team for a bit instead. Keeping him up to date on the practises and what they were doing.

"There's practise after school today. You should come to watch." Yamaguchi suggests, during lunch. They're seated together at his desk in their homeroom.

Hinata looks down at the food in his bento box, he doesn't make a move to eat any of it. He's not hungry, "Maybe." He answers Yamaguchi.

"You don't need to of course, but it could be better for you and the rest of the team if you do come. We're all trying to adjust with the new circumstances. It's all so different now without-" Yamaguchi stops himself.

_Without Kageyama._

Hinata slams the lid of his bento quickly, it closes louder than he'd intended. "I'm sorry." Yamaguchi says, quietly.

Looking up from the desk Hinata rests his gaze on Yamaguchi's freckled face, his hair is up in a small ponytail today and he's fiddling with his hands, his mouth pulled into a frown, "Don't be, you didn't say anything. It's fine." Hinata tries for a smile but he's sure it only looks more like a grimace.

Yamaguchi lifts his head and meets Hinata's gaze, "We miss him too," He whispers, "We all do so much. Nothing's the same without him here, we've all been together for so long. I can't believe he's," Yamaguchi lets out a sigh, "I guess I can't even begin to imagine how much you're going through but it's affecting all of us, me, Tsukki, Yachi, the rest of the team. It almost feels like he's just gone on vacation and he'll be back tomorrow but I know that's not it. I don't even have a word how to explain what I feel."

Hinata's hands clamp together tightly, his breathing shallows a bit and he swiftly turns his gaze away from Yamaguchi. He suddenly wants to tell Yamaguchi everything, all the pent up emotions since Kageyama's death that have been haunting him, but he can't. Something in him closes up, the words stop in his throat. He can't say them. "I know." Is all he ends up saying.

Everything he holds in him, all the feelings and thoughts and angers and sorrow, they feel so personal just to tell Yamaguchi. Although he knows that they would be safe with the other boy he can't bring himself to do it. It didn't feel right, like Yamaguchi wasn't the correct person to tell these things to.

"Come today. I'm trying but I can't be as good a captain as you. We need you." Yamaguchi presses on about the practice after school.

"Maybe." Hinata repeats his previous answer.

He doesn't have any intention of going there. The gym was too risky, he wouldn't be able to handle being in there again for awhile. He feels guilty, knowing that he was letting his team down and making Yamaguchi have to take his spot as captain since he's the vice. But there was too much, too many nights spent practising there with him, too many moments of happiness when perfecting a spike, too many quick kisses in the storage closet, too many memories.

They spend the rest of lunch in silence.

Hinata manages to get through the rest of the school day after that. He's still completely unfocused in class and his mind still runs with thoughts of Kageyama but when the day is over he realizes he hasn't shed a single tear yet.

When the school bell chimes he gets ready to leave as quickly as he can with his broken leg. Yachi meets him at his locker and helps him down the stairs to the front hall where the doors were.

"Once you get used to it you'll be able to go down the stairs with crutches no problem." She says, smiling at Hinata. She's trying her best to cheer him up, Hinata's glad for that even though it may not work. "Then your leg will get better soon enough and you can go back to playing volleyball and doing everything else. Only a couple more weeks now aren't you excited to be able to use your leg again?"

Not really, Hinata thinks to himself not wanting to voice this out loud to Yachi. Sure life would be easier but once the cast came off like she said he'd be expected to play volleyball again. And apart of him wasn't sure he could do that anymore.

But for her sake he nods and puts his best enthusiastic voice he could muster at the moment, "I want to be on the court again, so much. I hope my leg heals quick so I can."

Yachi seems convinced by that and squeezes his arm a tad bit, "I'm happy to hear that." She pauses then adds in a lower voice, "We've been so worried about you. I thought you wouldn't want to..I don't know..play volleyball ever again or something." She stops in her tracks and that makes Hinata stop too. They stand off to the side in the main hall, doors just a few feet away. She faces Hinata, one hand still on his arm, "I just need you to know that we're your friend and we were..Kageyama's too. We're all going through something. We should be there for each other. You know that right?" Yachi asks.

Hinata nods a little unsure what to say to that. He settles for, "Thank you."

"In our first year you were the one who helped me stand up to my mum, you're part of the reason why I'm manager right now. You taught me that I'm just as important as anyone else and now I want to be here for you. So does everyone else. Don't shut yourself away Hinata." She says, gaze intent and serious through her glasses.

Hinata doesn't know what to say, taken aback a little by the sudden words.

Yachi lets go of his hand and shakes her head a tiny bit, "Are you coming to practise?"

It takes Hinata a second to process the question since her previous words were still in his mind along with the ones Yamaguchi had said during lunch.

"No I-I can't. I'm sorry, tell them all I'm sorry but I have to go home." He considers telling her a lie, some excuse on why he can't be there. Maybe a doctor's appointment. But he can't do that to her and settles for the truth instead, "I don't think I can be in there yet."

Yachi nods, understanding, "It's okay. I'll tell them." They begin to walk to the doors.

The crowds in the hall are gone now, and it's pretty much empty and because it was flat ground and not stairs Yachi didn't need to hold onto Hinata. He trudges behind her with his his crutches.

They exit the school and Hinata immediately spots his father's car waiting for him. He bids his goodbye to Yachi and makes his way to the car and gets in. Ever since the accident being in a car gave him a churning feeling in his stomach like there was an impending danger waiting for him and it was inevitable once they start to drive but he's learned how to push those thoughts away as best as he can which he does now.

It helps that his dad asks him questions about his day, distracting him. He answers as best as he can, trying to act like he was feeling great about it. He doesn't want to worry his parents anymore, he'd put them through a lot these past days and weeks.

In truth school drained him, it made him feel worse than before, every staircase and classroom had reminded him of Kageyama. He couldn't give his attention to anything about his painful recollections. He hates the curious looks from students even though he couldn't blame them, since if he was in their shoes instead of his he'd be doing the same. And he's immensely jealous of all the students that weren't at all affected by Kageyama's death, all the students who didn't have to watch the accident playback over and over again when they close their eyes and pinpoint everything they could've done differently to save Kageyama's life.

But he is not telling his dad those things. So he lies. Telling him that school was better than he thought, that he could keep going. Maybe he's broken and hurt and maybe he does want to break down and shout into nothing and call out for Kageyama even though he wouldn't come but he wasn't going to show it now. He didn't want to put people in as much pain as he was going through.

Once at home Hinata doesn't hesitate to get into his room. He falls on to his bed and ditches his crutches, throwing them onto the floor.

He sits back up on the bed just to throw off the jacket of his uniform and then goes back to lying right after. He doesn't bother to change out of any other part of his uniform.

Hinata aches everywhere, the bruises and old cuts and his chest. They're all healed technically but that didn't mean they couldn't still be sore. He grabs the pillow that he isn't resting on and leans over to prop his casted leg on.

He plops back onto the pillow and let's his head sink in. His mind was busy with thoughts and they pound away at his head causing him to scrunch his face with pain, he brings a hand up to his temple presses and the pads of his fingers into his forehead.

The headache doesn't cease. He lies like that in pain for a couple moments longer, hugging himself tightly and curled into a ball. Until somehow he falls asleep.

• • •

Hinata's eyes shoot open, his heart is racing. His breathing comes out ragged and there's a tear sliding down his cheek.

He sits right up, wiping away the tear swiftly and then he blinks twice to take in his surroundings.

It's just his room, but it's dark even though the blinds are open. Hinata furrows his eyebrows, could it be night already? He rummages around the pocket of his pants, taking a minute to find his phone in his pocket. When he does, he slides it open to check the time.

"2:46 am " The phone reads. He's sitting at the edge of his bed now, knees pulled up at his chest. He puts his phone back in his pocket and leans his forehead on his knees.

Hinata couldn't believe he'd been sleeping for so long. He would've expected that he'd at least wake up once for food or to use the washroom or something but it looks like he'd been out since he'd come back from school.

He knows he should probably change into proper nightwear now and then go back to sleep but he doesn't want to. He didn't want to dream, staying awake was better. At least in real life everything around you is true, in dreams you could see or do anything. Even someone who's dead, and it seems so real like you could touch them but you can't.

Suddenly he has this huge urge to talk to Kageyama. Of course that has always been there but right now more than ever. Maybe it's because of the dream or maybe he's just too tired to push away thoughts of Kageyama. Either way he wants to hear him tease him for having such a stupid nightmare because there was nothing to be afraid of and he's dumb for believing in things supernatural, he wants Kageyama to comfort him with soft words, he wants to tell him about how much he does want to be on the court again but how he can't do it because he isn't there with him. The need to speak to someone, to speak to him becomes too strong.

Hinata grabs his crutches and blazer from the ground and silently makes his way downstairs. He flinches at the sound of the creak on the stairs but is relieved to see no one else hears it he walks into the entrance of his house and come to a stop. He pulls on his shoes and throws on his blazer then leaning on the wall for support he takes his phone out again.

He dials in a number, slowly pressing each button then he brings it up to his ear, a man answers and they quickly sort everything out. After stuffing his keys into his pocket, Hinata cautiously opens his front door. The smallest sound could mean disaster but he's able to escape the house and he closes the door without causing a ruckus as well. He locks it and waits on the steps of his house. He can't believe he was actually doing this.

There's a slight drizzle of rain now falling the raindrops descending onto the ground with their own tiny splash. Seeing as where he was planning to go and with the rain, Hinata doesn't know if he's really sure anymore with what he was doing. It was all too familiar.

Then the taxi pulls up and Hinata knows there's no turning back and he gets into the bright yellow car. He sits up front and puts his crutches in the back. The driver doesn't say a word which must mean he's okay with it.

"Where to?" He asks. He doesn't even seem fazed that a teenager was sneaking out past midnight.

"Just follow this road I'll tell you when to turn and stop." Hinata says.

The driver nods, showing no emotion. Hinata says just as he told the driver and shows him the whole trip step by step. The raining begins to get harder as the sound of it hitting the roof of the car for louder. It's almost exactly like that night.

Hinata notices the familiar street and sees they've reached his destination, "Stop here." He says.

"What?" The driver says going into the free lane and parking. "This is the middle of the road and it's raining? Are you crazy?" He looks at Hinata as if he's insane.

Hinata just hands him the money, "Go."

"No what are you doing? You may get hurt." The driver protests though he does take the money from Hinata.

"Go, please. I'll be fine." Hinata pleads, "I have another way home." He's lying.

The driver contemplates this for a second or so, "As long as you do have a way home then okay. Be careful out here it's dark." The driver warns. Hinata nods and gets out of the taxi, grabbing his crutches from the backseat as well.

He watches as the taxi drives off.

Hinata stand in the middle of the road now alone.

The road.

He looks up at the grey clouds that camouflage with the dark night sky. There's a smattering of small stars just visible if you look very closely but mostly it's just rain.

It feels like the rain his mocking him. Like they know how much he needs to feel close to Kageyama right now that they decided to start raining hard like this when he arrived to here. It was almost a perfect replica of that night.

Hinata lets the rain soak his clothes, the white dress shirt and the black pants stick to his skin. His messy hair flattens onto his head. He's still staring at the sky, he lets his eyes flutter shut. The rain hits his face and it's almost calming, the constant patter of it. It wets his face and makes his clothes heavy, droplets run down his crutches.

He stands still like that for awhile longer, letting the rain drench him. His neck eventually gets sore from being pulled back like that so he opens his eyes and moves his gaze from the sky to the road in front of him.

It was the exact spot where it had happened. A part of Hinata is telling him to flee, to get away from this terrible patch of road. But he stands his ground even if just being here made his head hurt and his heart race so fast he's sure it'll burst out of his chest.

This is where their car had been, Hinata's looking out in front of him. Just a few feet ahead of him. Then he turns around to look at the opposite side of the road.

That was where the other car had come from. Hinata can see it, the yellow headlights right in front of them, full speed and wavering. He can hear the screech of the break, he remembers his scream. The shattering and cracking of glass, the loud bang that Hinata had come to guess was Kageyama's head hitting the steering wheel. He can feel himself sitting in the car again right before it flips, the seatbelt that dug into his chest and the ugly sounds of the metal of the car falling onto the road. Then the car stopping upside down, the piercing silence that followed. Him reaching out for Kageyama, trying to call his name but to no avail.

He knows he blacked out right after that. But what if he hadn't, what if he had been able to get him and Kageyama out of the car himself, what if he had been able to call help sooner? What if he had seen those headlights a couple seconds before and warned Kageyama? What if he had been smart and suggested that he and Kageyama stay at the arcade until the storm died down?

Maybe then none of this would've happened.

But he couldn't go back in time to change it. It had happened.

Kageyama is dead.

Those three words vibrate in his mind, getting louder and louder. He hangs his head downwards and squeezes his eyes shut. Kageyama is gone, he wasn't coming back, not ever. His best friend, his partner, his boyfriend is dead. He's known that but the harsh reality of it hits him harder than ever now.

"No." Hinata whispers. He clenches his hands into fists and digs his nails into his palms, "You-you promised not to die. I made you promise. " He takes a shaky breath, "You told me neither of us would die anytime soon, you told me..."

Hinata lifts his head up and stares into the darkness of the road, and those last moments flash in his mind again. Kissing in the car before leaving, watching the raindrops race down the window, Kageyama's small smile as they spoke, his blue eyes focused on the road, counting the number of times the windshield wipers came around, the yellow headlights, the screech of the brakes, the shattering, the bang, the scream, the car flipping, the deafening silence, the pain shooting up his body, the last desperate try to reach out and see if Kageyama was okay. Hinata explodes, " _You told me we were invincible._ You said as long as we were together nothing could stop us." He's shouting into the darkness as if it were Kageyama standing in front of him."You were wrong. We're not invincible. You-you died. And you left me." His voice breaks, faltering.

He speaks softly again now, hot tears are falling from his eyes at a quick pace mixing with the rain. His chest heaves in sobs. "You're gone and I'm still here and I don't know what to do without you. I don't know how to keep going. I don't know how to even be me anymore. After the car accident you were all my reasons to keep living but you died anyways. Maybe-" He pauses. His heart pounds so fast and his head spins, snot drips from his nose. He tries taking a deep breath but it stutters. "Maybe, I wasn't enough for you to keep living for."

Hinata knows it sounds petty and unbelievable. It doesn't make any sense for him to think such a thing. Kageyama died because the injuries from the car accident put him in critical condition and the doctors and surgeons weren't able to save him. But a small part of him believes that he really wasn't enough for Kageyama, he wasn't reason enough for him to keep going. It hurt to even think that.

His legs are shaking now, his whole body is, as sobs rack his body. Hinata feels so weak, shivering from the cold and tears streaming down his cheek, he's trying to breathe but his throat feels closed.

He drops his crutches and balances on his good leg and slowly lowers himself onto the road. His knees touch first and he leans down from there into a crouch position, letting his head hang low. The palms of his hands press into the gravelly road. He tries to catch his breath while hiccupping from his crying.

"I miss you, Kageyama." He whimpers. "I miss playing volleyball with you, I miss getting meat buns together, I miss arguing with you. I miss celebrating victories with you, I miss talking to you, I miss kissing you and holding hands and falling asleep together. I miss just being with you. It hurts not having you here."

A car could hit him right now and Hinata's sure he wouldn't even mind. If that happens it's possible that he would die but then he'd be able to see Kageyama again and that's all he wants.

But he knows that's not what Kageyama would want if he was here. And even after death, Kageyama is his will to keep living.

So with all the strength in him that he has left, Hinata picks himself and his crutches up. He stumbles away from the road and onto the sidewalk beside it and sits down again. He buries his faces in his hands, crying. Everything he's wanted to say for so long, what he had almost told Yamaguchi he finally got to say it.

Hinata couldn't tell if he's hurting more or less now.

• • •

The door's to the gym are unlocked. Practise had ended almost a half an hour ago so Hinata would be safe to go in unnoticed.

Once his leg heals fully he'd need to go back to volleyball no matter how painful it was. He wasn't going to give up, that's not what Kageyama would've wanted. That's not what he wants either.

Hinata decided he night before that it'd be better to let out all his emotions alone in the gym than if he was in practise with all his teammates. That's why he sneaks into the gym now, opening the black double doors and switching on the bright lights, illuminating the gym.

He steps in and realizes how much he's missed being in here. It's been long since the last time he's played volleyball. Too long. The court looks so inviting and Hinata immediately wants to jump back and practise. He looks down at his casted leg with frustration, it was the only thing left to heal.

Trying not to think about his broken leg Hinata walks through the gym, none of the nets were up since the team had cleaned everything before leaving but Hinata can imagine it.

He spots a volleyball in the corner of the gym. They must've missed it while cleaning up. Hinata crosses the gym to where it is and picks it up.

The feel of the ball in his hand makes him want to play even more. He wants red palms from spiking again, he wants to break walls and pull feints and everything else. He wants to win again.

He turns to put the ball away, when he sees him. Hinata had expected this.

The court was the holy grail of his memories with Kageyama so of course he'd have a moment like this. He looks around the court now and every place holds Kageyama.

He can see Kageyama setting the ball so clearly as if he was actually here. He can see him connecting the perfect toss to his spike, he can see the two of them staring at each other in excitement when it actually works. He can see them practising late and working together to perfect all their plays. He can hear it too, the balls hitting against the ground, Kageyama scolding him about what he did wrong but also trying to improve too. He hears the constant banter they had and he can hear the whole team together with them.

That would never be again and Hinata would have to get use to it. How he was going to adjust to a new setter and just not being able to play with Kageyama ate away at Hinata. He wasn't sure he'd be able to do it. The grip he has on the volleyball in his hands tightens.

Suddenly the doors open again and Hinata looks up, in surprise.

Yachi, Tsukishima and Yamaguchi walk in. They don't notice Hinata at first.

"I'm sure I turned the lights off." Hinata hears Yamaguchi say.

"You forgot to lock the doors so I wouldn't be surprised if you forgot to turn off the light too." Tsukishima intones.

"No, I know th–"

"Hinata!" Yachi is the first to notice him. She jumps back a bit startled. "What are you doing here?" She crosses the gym to where Hinata stands.

"I, well..I came to um.." Hinata trails off not sure what to say. Yamaguchi and Tsukishima were standing by Yachi now as well waiting for an answer. Hinata sighs, "I wanted to see if I could readjust to the gym without him. I thought it'd be better to let my emotions out now then in front of the team." He tells them the truth.

No one replies for a moment and Hinata wishes he'd just settled with a white lie for an answer.

Finally Yachi looks to Tsukishima, "We should give it to him." She says. Hinata watches in confusion as Tsukishima nods and detaches from the group and walks towards the storage room.

"What's he getting? What're you giving to me?" Hinata asks, eyebrows furrowing in confusion.

Yachi shakes her head, "Remember how I told you that you shouldn't shut yourself out? You should talk to us Hinata."

Yamaguchi nods from beside her, agreeing.

"I know. I'm sorry. It's just hard to say somethings." Hinata mumbles.

"Hinata, we were teammates and friends with him too. If there's anyone you could talk to about these things it's us. And we're all worried about you and we miss having you at practise. You're the captain and the ace and it's hard without you. Please just let us help you." Yamaguchi says.

Hinata shuffles his feet. "I'm sorry."

They both have faces full of concern. Hinata knows they really do care about him and that lifts his spirits a bit. He really should be talking to them and attending practises, he feels a little guilty now that he'd let his own feelings get in the way of the team. He knows he'd been being stupid and stubborn by thinking he couldn't ever play again. He realizes now that he still wants to play badly, he needs too. He needs to be back on the court, he couldn't leave the team. He wasn't going to be stuck in his feelings anymore. He's about to add onto his previous statement when Tsukishima returns.

He hands Hinata a folded jersey. "We think you should have this."

Hinata takes the jersey with curiosity and unfolds it.

" _Kageyama_  
 _3_ " It reads.

Hinata clutches the piece of fabric tightly.

"Thank you." He says quietly. Tsukishima nods.

Hinata looks at the jersey closely, he remembers when they'd gotten their third year jerseys. He remembers teasing Kageyama that his number was higher than since he was "1". Kageyama had glared at him but he only laughed more.

He's aware that Yachi and the others are watching him closely as he stares at the jersey but they don't say anything for awhile. Letting him have his moment.

The jersey is the same as ever. It was the same as everyone's jersey except the number and the name, there was nothing special to it. Other than the fact it was never going to be worn again. Hinata has felt the fabric of the jersey probably millions of times before, while bumping into him or hugging him or pulling it off him. But every time it had been warm, he'd been wearing it and his heart had still been beating underneath it and sweat had stained it. But now it was just a piece of fabric bearing the name and the number. It's cold.

"Why don't we all go out for meat buns?" Yachi suggests, breaking the silence. "It's been long since we all did something together."

Hinata tears his gaze away from the jersey to look up at his friends and the expressions they wear.

He knows that they're all worrying about him and he feels guilty all over again. They were all dealing with Kageyama's death as well, and they were all trying to be strong about it for the team. For him.

Yachi was right telling him not to shut himself away. Even if everything in him just wants to talk to Kageyama that could never happen again.

But he could talk to them, they were there for him for all those win and loses too and they were here for him right now.

They're all still waiting for his answer expectantly. Hinata musters up a smile and nods, "Let's go."

And although it feels awfully surreal at first hanging out with them without Kageyama standing close by him a small part of him feels like his old self again. He feels slightly happy again, like he could manage a laugh.

They're all grieving in way too. They all know that Kageyama should be here with them but no one mentions it. Hinata tries not to think of the empty presence.

He does notices how normal it feels to be with them. Tsukishima making remarks about Hinata eating too much and Yachi talking about how the team is improving and the stars are out and shining and it almost feels like nothings changed.

So when Yamaguchi tells him that he should come to practise tomorrow he agrees without hesitation.

• • •

Hinata's leg jumps up and down, restlessly. He's glad the leg is at last out of it's prison like cast it's been condemned to for weeks but he wishes it would stop shaking. But it's hard to stop the nervous tick, this would be the first time he would be seeing Kageyama's grave.

He'd put it off for awhile, he didn't think he'd be able to cope with seeing Kageyama's name printed on the grey stone. His ashes resting underneath it. But his therapist had forced him, telling him it would make him feel better. He can't see how.

But now he's going and there was no turning around. Hinata stares out the window for the whole ride, picking at his seatbelt. The sun is shining bright and the grass is as green as ever, the rainy weeks have ended and left them all thing new and beautiful.

And it really was beautiful, Hinata could appreciate that. He's happy that he's healed completely now. He's even began practising volleyball . Little by little he's becoming himself again. With the help of his friends and his teammates, he's able to keep going.

That didn't mean he stops thinking about Kageyama, though. He crosses Hinata's mind daily. Sometimes he find himself turning to tell Kageyama something but he's not there. Or he'll see a flash of dark blue eyes or black hair and think it's him. When his cast had come off he'd gone home excited to spike Kageyama's tosses again, he'd even gotten out his phone to call him so they could practise, only to remember.

But he knows he can't wait for some miracle that Kageyama would come back to life. Kageyama wasn't coming back and Hinata knows that. He knows that it's his job to keep living–for the both of them.

The car stops outside the cemetery.

"Do you want me to come with you?" Yachi asks. Her hands are still wrapped around the steering wheel. Hinata can feel her gaze on him.

He shakes his head, "No."

"I'll wait here for you then." She says, softly. Hinata feels her hand rest on his shoulder, "Take your time."

Hinata nods and looks up at Yachi, "Thank you."

Yachi gives him a small smile, "Don't worry about it. Always here to drive."

"No, not just for the ride here. I mean _thank you._ Thank you for being there for me after everything I–"

"Hinata, it's okay. You don't need to say anything." Yachi cuts him off. "You don't need to thank me for being your friend."

"But–" Hinata starts again, his thanks in his opinion was long overdue. The least he could do is let her know how grateful he really was to have her there for him. Without her and the rest of the team he doesn't know where he would be now.

Yachi doesn't let him continue though, "You should go see him now." She retracts the hand that rests on Hinata's shoulder and unlocks the car. Hinata hesitates to open the door, "Go." She pushes, not unkindly.

Hinata nods and takes a deep breath. He opens the door and leaves, closing it behind him. The cemetery looms in front of him and a part of him still doesn't want to go in. He doesn't want to be confront what's he already knows.

But he shakes those thoughts away and walks in. He follows the stone trail down the rows of monuments. Hinata fiddles with his hands and tries to stare right ahead of him instead of at all the graves. Other than the green grass and the various colours of the bouquets of flowers, the whole cemetery was a sea of graves of grey hues. Hinata didn't expect any less but it still gives him an uneasy feeling.

He walks slowly and every step feels heavy. He'd biked up hills everyday to get to school, he'd run long and difficult distances for training. But out of all those, this he decides has to be the steepest and hardest distance he would ever walk. His hands tighten around each other, and his nails dig into his skin.

Then he finds Kageyama's monument. The grey, stone, rectangular prism sitting up vertically, his name written elegantly. Two vases on either side of the headstone hold brightly coloured flowers.

Hinata kneels in front of his monument, his hands in his lap. He lifts his head up to face the gravestone. This is all that's left he realizes. Just this stone and the compartment that holds his ashes.

He closes his eyes and he can almost imagine that Kageyama is in front of him, alive. He can almost feel hear his voice, low and quiet, he can almost feel his touch, gentle and warm. Hinata doesn't want to open his eyes.

But he also knows none of what he's feeling is real, he knows he can't keep living with his eyes shut and pretending he's still here. He forces his eyes open and stares at the grave.

"I see you all the time. In my dreams, at practise, at home, at school. Everywhere. I don't think a day's gone without me thinking about you," This is what his therapist had recommended. After expressing to her how much he wanted to just be able to talk to Kageyama again she'd told him to talk to his grave. He'd been skeptical about it but she'd made him promise and here he was. But he wants to say a million different things and he doesn't know how to say them and what was the point anyways? It wasn't like Kageyama would hear them. It wasn't like they would make a difference. But he presses on anyways, trying to form his racing thoughts from the moment Kageyama died into coherent sentences, "I think about how it feels to be around you. Like I was invincible. That's what you said. It's not true though. But that's okay too."

Kageyama last words flash in Hinata's mind, " _I'm sorry._ "

"I forgive you." Hinata murmurs and just like that everything he wants to say rolls off his tongue. "When I started practising again sometimes I'd look over after jumping or something and expect you to be there. To scold me or tease me but of course you aren't there. I think a lot about the accident too and what I could've done. My therapist says I shouldn't do that but it's kinda hard not to." And Hinata can't stop talking now. He tells Kageyama—his gravestone, everything. He knows there are tears falling fast down his cheeks and snot dripping down his nose because he knows that he's not really talking to him. He's aware that he's just wasting all his words and all he's really speaking to is the air around him but he doesn't stop. Because it feels good to finally let everything out even if there was no response and no one to comfort him. He tells Kageyama about how the team is adjusting without him, how it's hard to be captain again, how everything feels so wrong without him. He tells him how Yachi, Yamaguchi and Tsukishima have helped him since he came back and that they miss him too. He talks about the therapist his parents forces him to go to and about how his leg is finally healed and how the spring preliminaries coming up and how much he wishes that he was with him for it, how weird it is to play without him. He tells him how much he craves his touch and even their constant arguing.

His cheeks are stained with tears and his eyes are red and puffy. His breathing ragged and head hung low. He mumbles his words, rushing along trying to get out everything. All the things he couldn't bring himself to tell his friends because it didn't feel right too. He stutters from crying.

Hinata brings his head up finally, trying to regain composure and control. He must look like a complete mess.

With one arm he wipes away his tears and with another he digs into the pocket of his jeans. He brings out a glossy photo, it's bent from being in his pocket so long. He straightens it out as best as he can and then reaches over to lean it against one of the flowers vases.

It's a photo of the team in their first year, the team they'd gone to nationals with for the first time. Hinata's hair had been much longer and wilder than, he'd been shorter too. Since then he's cut his hair, grown a few centimetres, and pierced an ear. Kageyama had gotten broader since then too. All of them had grown up a lot in the three years. It was funny to look back on their first year, they'd all been so new. Tsukishima barely talked to them unless it was sarcastic retorts, Kageyama and him always getting into fights and arguments. Yamaguchi now has triple the confidence he had then and Yachi being much more authoritative and Tsukishima although still an ass is on much better terms with them now. And Hinata and Kageyama's relationship had developed way more than he could've ever guessed back then. They'd become the leaders Suga, Daichi, Asahi and Kiyoko had been to them.

Becoming ace, being the caption, it was everything Hinata had wanted when he first came to Karasuno. And he got it. He remembers how happy he'd been, how Kageyama had told him to stop being 'so damn giddy because it was annoying' even though Hinata knew he was happy for him too. He remembers winning the first game during Interheigh preliminaries as third years and hugging Kageyama. It'd felt so amazing to win, to win with him.

Hinata takes a shaky breath and finds himself speaking again, "I love you. I don't think I can ever stop loving you and I miss you everyday. And I want to see you again, so badly but not soon." He's crying again but he keep his voice steady, "I'm going to be good again and I'm going to stay on the court. I'm going to keep winning. For the team. For you, for me. I'm going to fly again."

He pauses, letting his hands free from the tight grip he'd been keeping them in. This is a promise he's giving Kageyama and he's going to keep it.

Hinata's about to stand up, seeing as he'd said everything he needed too and he realizes that Yachi might be worrying about him taking too long. But he stops himself remembering on last thing.

"You said you missed my smile. You asked me to smile and I couldn't." He says, recalling the last moments with Kageyama again, "But I can now."

And he does.

Through the tears and the snot and all the hurting and pain he'd been through. Hinata manages to pull the most brightest and radiant smile.

**Author's Note:**

> Well there u go. I'm sorry for writing this. I hate seeing my precious baby boy sunshine smol son Hinata like this and yet I still wrote this whoops.  
> If you got through this without crying how. I literally broke down while writing this.  
> Anyways if you have any feedbacks, comments or criticism please leave a comment thank you! and thank you for reading!


End file.
